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days go by and still I think of you the days info previous previous
I guess i've given up on love...
♥cause it really kinda sucks...♥
And she looked down at me, took my hand with her withered old fingers and placed it upon her chest and asked 'do you know what this is?

I half scared, yet interested as to what she was doing answered the silly answer any child would proclaim, 'Your bosom?' I asked absentmindedly

She looked at me with her sad eyes and there was a silence drawn between us. 'No, its my heart' she replied silently. Before I had another chance to speak, her words were already tumbling, faintly out of her mouth as she finsihed her statement. "...and it's broken."

How would I have known, around some 10 years later I would be in that same posistion. There I found myself in the cool autumn night, the stars shining brightly and the moon illuminating my walkway. I entered the delapidated house in which she still resided, despite her fortune and my eyes searched about for the old woman. I took the old steps up to where I used to dance with her while Estella rudley watched us. I came across her sitting in her old rocking chair, just staring out at the ocean.

I called her name quietly so I wouldn't disturb her.. and increased the tone of my voice when she did not reply to the first. She turned around, her face much older than I recall. I had came to ask of Estella. She looked at me with rather lively eyes this time, smirked and said after a short amount of time... "Shes engaged" as soon as I heard this I felt the world drop out from underneath me and I had to choke down air, rapidly. The world was becoming further and further away. "Oh yes, shes quite happy." the old woman replied again. It was blatant it was not her. After all those years I had thought it was her, I knew then she was not the one who had promised me Estella. All the while the world was moving so quickly for me, but in the m oment the things were moving so slow.. so very slow. My eyes begin to well up, but I knew If I had shown emotion the old lady would have scorned me and laughed. I pursed my lips together, swalllowed the tears down, and closed my eyes inhailing slowly. With my eyes still closed I searched for the old woman's tangled fingers. Much like she had reached for mine those 10 years ago. Hesitantly and very slowly, and breathing hard I drew her hand upon my chest and opened my eyes looking straight at her. The tears welled up again, and this time I kept my gaze on her, completly her. I choked out "Do you know what this is?" and after that first sentance was out, her old wrinkled face turned from a smug smirk into a very melancholy look and I could see the tears begin to well in her eyes. The saline I now tasted in my mouth as my tears ran down my face.. I choked out the final sentance I ever said to her, "this is my heart." and with a breif pause I closed my eyes and begun to shake in a fit of sobs before finishing, "and... it's broken." I briskly ran down the way I came and left the old woman bantering at me to come back and the various desperate "im sorry's" waifted in the cool autumn night as I ran through the streets, letting the rain pelt and refresh my sad, tired body.

-Great expectations narrative of the movie by me.

mood: melancholy melancholy

Im not sure what to do right now.

I cried in front of all my teachers and my dad.

I am terribly embarassed.

Im a dumbass.

Im ugly and apparently guys arent attracted to me.

Im retarded in the eyes of my family...

There is a 40/100 chance i will pass my classes.. this means no trip to Colorado if I dont pass.

to top the sundae with a cherry.. Nathan.. is just seeming to get farther and farther away.

Why shouldnt I be crying right now? Why shouldnt I do what I want.. its not like i have a life anyway.. its etched in stone. Im stupid.

In other news. I will get a dodge viper V12 engine and put it in my honda civic. I want the best woofers possible, I want to redo all the interior, platnium rims, floor lights.. the whole shibang.

My mom said im like a ghetto person.. my residence will be shit and I will have a nice ass car. I dont care. A car shows your personailty.

Do you know how it feels to try so hard to even get a chance at something and then it feels like your trying to hard on a lost thing? I feel that way. Its like it brings happiness to my day, then the day is over and im left just sitting there.. unsatisfied. I know ive said that before too. But I dont wanna give up because I really want him it.

mood: angry angry

...because everyone knows Anna sleeps naked? Yeah I got asked like by 345874 people today why I wasen't wearing my Pj's. ok, i've lived in warm weather climates basically my whole life. Pj's aren't cool when its 70 outside and you've got covers on you. So my whole sleep situation is I sleep in my underwear and and a tank top. Sometimes just my bra. Got it? Good. I don't think I own a pair of Pj pants, although I do own a pair of boxer shorts. A pair.

Moving right along. My eyes are being morons and itching. I don't know why but they are burning and its not a feeling I most like. Tomorrow is Hawaiian day and well.. I found my surf board, my suit, lai's, and even coconuts from when we were in Hawaii, but I can't find my surfing logo shirts.. or my board shorts or anything. I should just say f it and wear my bathing suit, because I love it so much. This is the only spirit day I guess I will participate in. Besides senior toga day, which is just awesome. I find myself strangely wanting to go to homecoming. Not really, but just that little twinge of, ehh maybe. Who knows? my mom and dad are going out of town on Friday. I hope they leave my Dad's pimped out new car. Like whoa, this car is this awesome chrome color. Like champagne kinda, but more chrom-y. I hope they leave it still. Cause im gonna need a ride to the game on Friday to see who is homecoming King and Queen. I really hope Brian gets it. He's a nice guy. And his girlfriend was nominated too. A friend of mine from dance class is up there for the juniors, and hopefully s he'll get it. It's always something cool to say.

So it was raining earlier. I sat and listened to it. It's so pretty. And what was prettier was that the moon was bouncing off the puddles that the rain was making and illuminating my room through my blinds and I really liked the whole shadow thing it made. Pretty niftay. And.. I should be studying for chemisty and working on my Literature thesis. But.. alas i am lazy. Oh I decided who I want to write my college reccomendations.. Mrs. Sisk my old oceanography teacher, Mrs. Bryant my jr. literature teacher and Mr. Kienast, my sophmore world history teacher. Does it matter who we pick like,we don't have to pick teachers from this year do we? Otherwise... heh.. none of my teachers really liked me. Mr. Kienast rocked and I e-mailed him these weird badger things I would find online.. Mrs. Bryant was awesome and introduced me to the transcendentilist and romantic poets, showed me Dead Poet's Society, The Great Gatsby and Huck Finn. She was an amazing teacher.. and Mrs. Sisk just rocked because she was so enthusiastic about her job. She really made it fun, and I mean it seemed pretty cool all the oceanography. I think I might want to minor in like marine biology or something marine, because well.. see what an influence teachers have on you?

We had this guest speaker in the library today, and me and zafreen were goofing off, what's new right? The thing was this woman had come and talked to a class I had before in like ninth grade year so I knew it already.. boring. we messed with the samples the lady passed around and got into some trouble from the teacher. oh it was so much fun.

Some other good news, I got my test essay back from the other day in british lit where we had to write on why monty python was an effective parody of medieval literature. I got a 43/50. Not bad! Now if I just could pull my grades up elsewhere, then i'd be good. But its definatly going to be a challenge to overcome this year. I never thought. Evberything usually just cvcomes so easy to me. Im just so laid back I guess, I never realized how important alot of the things are. I usually took my leisure time and pulled it off. In other words.. Slacker. :P

my eyes are being jerks and I cant see too well, so I am going to finish my thesis statement, do some economics research and head to bed.

Goodnight and talk to you all tomarrow,
Anna <3

Oh yeah... Sad last few days in Atlanta. I meant to do this earlier, but ive been so lovey dovey over you-know-who that I forgot. Thrashers forward, Dan Snyder died at grady sunday night, early monday morning. He was only 25. Im sure you guys heard the big deal about how Heatley was driving his ferrari and how it alcohol may have been a factor. Dude heatley is out.. 3-15 year sentance for vehicular manslaughter. Not to mention they were best friends. Its so horrible. Also the braves losing the freaking divisionals. I love the braves and was totally rooting for them, in fact if they won we were gonna go see them play at Turner, but we all knew what was goinna happen. See ya next season braves.. or ac utally I'll see em in daytona for their spring training :)

AND... Yellowcard played in atlanta last night. Yeah like one of my favorite bands played and not only did I not hear a word about it, i missed it and didnt know anything. Im so pissed. I love yellowcard... :( sadness. And I need to get his AIM NAME. UGH.

+WARM OCTOBER NIGHTS+ :( (for real too)

mood: hot hot
songs of sorrow: Dishwalla:: Little Miss cant be wrong

how do you get someone out of your head? He's been in there for a while and I just can't shake the thought of him. It's so weird. it's so alien. It's an old feeling that has come back to haunt me.

i was at church the other day standing in the parish lobby and this tapistry that said "be not afraid" kept hitting my hair, and I turned around to look at it. It was like a sign, but I didn't know which way to take it.

If my life was a novel the theme would be man vs. fear.

i openly wanted this. i have asked for this all along.Now comes the hard part. I dont know if i can take the rejection that may come, hell i don't know if i'll ever talk to the guy. the first step is always harder then it gets progressive easier, right?

I tell myself when i wake up, today will be differnt. today will be the day that counts, and i always come home, unsatisfied at what events preceeded. i always feel empty, and like the day was wasted.

"they may not remember what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel"
-carl w. buechner

i like the way you fill my head with unconcious thoughts. i watch you when you don't see, i laugh and smile at the thought of you when you can't see. im not following you, my head is in the clouds and it is just sheer coincidence. is it a sign, or is it just emotions taking over my body and grasping my heart and not letting go even if my brain tries to.

I will always trust in my heart, the right things to do. Love and logic weren't meant to be. the brain just messes with your heart's decisions. The heart is foolish, but i'd rather be fool in love than a scholar without love.

im done.

<3 anna.

mood: melancholy melancholy
songs of sorrow: Yellowcard l october nights [on repeat]

[+] Underpants
I still keep thinking it will.

You can't expect things to just walk right up to you. You have to do at least something. Why then if i know this do i ignore it and expect and hope it will. then when it doesn't cry myself to sleep because it didn't happen. It's kinda difficult to explain.. so i won't. But im gonna just let everyone know this.

Anna is a moron.
anna does not know how to deal with relationships.
anna does not know how to deal with emotions.
Anna likes to think she's got it all down, but she knows she doesn't.
Anna knows she misses those golden opportunities god gives her and blows them off, because she is scared and sad.
Anna then regrets it.
Anna has so much to deal with she thinks that having someone good will balence it all out.
Anna doesn't know the answer.
Anna knows she is smart, but she is too lazy to do work and fails.
Anna only truly wants one thing.
Anna belives that all you need is love.
Anna is stupid.

/end weird third person reference-like type thing.
<3 anna.

ps. in case you haven't figured it out yet, some posts are locked and some aren't. I was just curiously wondering if anyone and/or all of you knew.

mood: confused confused
songs of sorrow: Get up kids.

im having one of those alone emo moments. Except its been all day.
I saw him, he didn't see me.
I know his name. He doesn't know mine.
this could be what i need. he might not think so.
i dont care what they think. he might.
so many uncertainties. im still going to try.
its not a joke to me. i see something in his face.
im so confused. my actions are hesitant.
i alrready regret a missed opportunity.
i am kicking myself in the ass and everyone is laughing at me because Anna did it again.
I blew it. again. just like i always do. i froze up. why am i scared of guys?

I cant let this go. I really like him. I have to go for it, right? I mean, whats to loose? I kmnow, but i have no guts at all. Im such a wuss. and scared.

im going to figure something out.

10 new iconsbaby.
im gonna go listen to more something corporate and die because i am a fucking moron.

mood: frustrated frustrated
songs of sorrow: I woke up in a car l something corporate

[+] Underpants

"I Want To Save You"

standing on the edge of morning
scent of sex and new found glory
playing as she's pulling back her hair
she drives away
she's feeling worthless
used again but nothing's different
she stayed the night
but knows he doesn't care

home by three
deafening quiet
the porch light's off
yes they forgot it
she cried herself to sleep
but she don't dare
then she wants to be a model
she wants to hear she's beautiful
she's beautiful

i want to save you
i want to save you
i need you
save me too
i want to save you

dressed by dawn and out the door
no light
she memorized the floor
so she could leave without being detected
she works till three
it's uniform
she dreams that he'll come by the store
she prays for days
the boys mean she's protected
and she wants someone to see her
she needs to hear she's beautiful
she's beautiful

i want to save you
i want to save you
i need you
save me too
i want to save you

and she won't sleep
she won't sleep
and she won't sleep
at all

i want to save you
i want to save you
i need you
save me too
i want to save you
(let me save you)
i want to save you
(let me save you)
i want to save you
(let me save you)
i want to save you

that song is so me, except the whole part about sex. This song makes me cry.

mood: touched touched
songs of sorrow: faculty.

[+] Underpants
La BambaCollapse )

Ok, monday is college/twin day, tuesday is Pj Day, Wednesday is Hawaii day, and I don't know what thursday is.

Homecoming is this friday and we are playing East Coweta i think. I will go to the game I think, but as for the dance, we all know my deal, no date, no go. I want some choclate chip cookies, I think I might run to the store and get some. Hmm... so, anyway. Im relaxing this whole week.... I got some good grades in english, a 86 on my english essay test. I also got a 19/20 on a vocab test. Not bad, but the 54 on a calculus quiz.

I think im going to go to the store to get some cookie dough now.
<3 anna.

mood: peaceful peaceful
songs of sorrow: Yellowcard:: October Nights

Ok so my dad callls me today. Im failing all my 5 core classes. Shit. WE have a meeting with my counselor and teachers coming up so we can figure out what to do.

I feel like im in such a bind. I feel like all my classes are AP and they shouldn't be. For example, my english class. Its like im writing essays every day and they aren't easy. Its all prove the documentation. Stupid crap. All my classes suck. I just want to get it over with, it needs to stop being so hard..

In other news Paul walker's face makes me happy. VERY happy.

Er and Scrubs on tonight and the craft too.

EDIT:: Oh my gosh House of the Dead looks like it kicks ass, big time. I mean I dont know waht is it about or anything, but still. Any movie that plays DMX "Up in here" in the trailor then im good. Also I got my admissions sign up for Gordon and Rachel told me she didnt want to room with me. She also told me that she didn't want to go to the college visit there on the 24th with me either. Well gee, I feel loved. My best friend for 5 years might go to the same college as me, and won't room with me at all. And she wont go with me to the thing. I think im a little bit ticked and hurt. I would do anything for her and lately shes been pushing me away.Its wonderful how life is great and then all of a sudden its not.

mood: melancholy melancholy
songs of sorrow: rachmaninoff:: Piano concerto 2

[+] Underpants
today, sept. the 30th in San Obispo Co. California around 5pm, James Dean, one of Tinstletown's most fabulous and amazing actors died.

My whole thought on this. I love James Dean, he's a great actor i've loved since I was a kid. I think that he died, at least, doing something he loved.. racing his car.. just.. on a highway.. hey! Whatever floats your boat. If I had a freaking 1955 Porsche Syder 500, I would be going 120 too. Ohh the sweetness. I need to rent 2 fast 2 furious because paul walker is hot and the hot cars with Paul make me drool. Like the cars are off the hook.

Anyway, the cute dude,.. Zafreen knows who he is.. Shit. He's a SOPHMORE. Maybe. He's still hot eye candy. His name is like E.J. I think? I dunno, Zafreen is weird, but man does she have the hook ups. Hook ups make me think of Skateboarding which makes me think of those nurses. Ok. Im done,.


mood: amused amused
songs of sorrow: Um Some song