I guess i've given up on love...

creative.

2003-10-10T21:54:56Z

And she looked down at me, took my hand with her withered old fingers and placed it upon her chest and asked 'do you know what this is?

I half scared, yet interested as to what she was doing answered the silly answer any child would proclaim, 'Your bosom?' I asked absentmindedly

She looked at me with her sad eyes and there was a silence drawn between us. 'No, its my heart' she replied silently. Before I had another chance to speak, her words were already tumbling, faintly out of her mouth as she finsihed her statement. "...and it's broken."

How would I have known, around some 10 years later I would be in that same posistion. There I found myself in the cool autumn night, the stars shining brightly and the moon illuminating my walkway. I entered the delapidated house in which she still resided, despite her fortune and my eyes searched about for the old woman. I took the old steps up to where I used to dance with her while Estella rudley watched us. I came across her sitting in her old rocking chair, just staring out at the ocean.

I called her name quietly so I wouldn't disturb her.. and increased the tone of my voice when she did not reply to the first. She turned around, her face much older than I recall. I had came to ask of Estella. She looked at me with rather lively eyes this time, smirked and said after a short amount of time... "Shes engaged" as soon as I heard this I felt the world drop out from underneath me and I had to choke down air, rapidly. The world was becoming further and further away. "Oh yes, shes quite happy." the old woman replied again. It was blatant it was not her. After all those years I had thought it was her, I knew then she was not the one who had promised me Estella. All the while the world was moving so quickly for me, but in the m oment the things were moving so slow.. so very slow. My eyes begin to well up, but I knew If I had shown emotion the old lady would have scorned me and laughed. I pursed my lips together, swalllowed the tears down, and closed my eyes inhailing slowly. With my eyes still closed I searched for the old woman's tangled fingers. Much like she had reached for mine those 10 years ago. Hesitantly and very slowly, and breathing hard I drew her hand upon my chest and opened my eyes looking straight at her. The tears welled up again, and this time I kept my gaze on her, completly her. I choked out "Do you know what this is?" and after that first sentance was out, her old wrinkled face turned from a smug smirk into a very melancholy look and I could see the tears begin to well in her eyes. The saline I now tasted in my mouth as my tears ran down my face.. I choked out the final sentance I ever said to her, "this is my heart." and with a breif pause I closed my eyes and begun to shake in a fit of sobs before finishing, "and... it's broken." I briskly ran down the way I came and left the old woman bantering at me to come back and the various desperate "im sorry's" waifted in the cool autumn night as I ran through the streets, letting the rain pelt and refresh my sad, tired body.

-Great expectations narrative of the movie by me.

lifes not getting any better...

2003-10-10T03:02:56Z

Im not sure what to do right now.

I cried in front of all my teachers and my dad.

I am terribly embarassed.

Im a dumbass.

Im ugly and apparently guys arent attracted to me.

Im retarded in the eyes of my family...

There is a 40/100 chance i will pass my classes.. this means no trip to Colorado if I dont pass.

to top the sundae with a cherry.. Nathan.. is just seeming to get farther and farther away.

Why shouldnt I be crying right now? Why shouldnt I do what I want.. its not like i have a life anyway.. its etched in stone. Im stupid.

In other news. I will get a dodge viper V12 engine and put it in my honda civic. I want the best woofers possible, I want to redo all the interior, platnium rims, floor lights.. the whole shibang.

My mom said im like a ghetto person.. my residence will be shit and I will have a nice ass car. I dont care. A car shows your personailty.

Do you know how it feels to try so hard to even get a chance at something and then it feels like your trying to hard on a lost thing? I feel that way. Its like it brings happiness to my day, then the day is over and im left just sitting there.. unsatisfied. I know ive said that before too. But I dont wanna give up because I really want ~~him~~ it.

Why aren't you wearing your Pj's?

2003-10-08T04:42:43Z

...because everyone knows Anna sleeps naked? Yeah I got asked like by 345874 people today why I wasen't wearing my Pj's. ok, i've lived in warm weather climates basically my whole life. Pj's aren't cool when its 70 outside and you've got covers on you. So my whole sleep situation is I sleep in my underwear and and a tank top. Sometimes just my bra. Got it? Good. I don't think I own a pair of Pj pants, although I do own a pair of boxer shorts. A pair.

Moving right along. My eyes are being morons and itching. I don't know why but they are burning and its not a feeling I most like. Tomorrow is Hawaiian day and well.. I found my surf board, my suit, lai's, and even coconuts from when we were in Hawaii, but I can't find my surfing logo shirts.. or my board shorts or anything. I should just say f it and wear my bathing suit, because I love it so much. This is the only spirit day I guess I will participate in. Besides senior toga day, which is just awesome. I find myself strangely wanting to go to homecoming. Not really, but just that little twinge of, ehh maybe. Who knows? my mom and dad are going out of town on Friday. I hope they leave my Dad's pimped out new car. Like whoa, this car is this awesome chrome color. Like champagne kinda, but more chrom-y. I hope they leave it still. Cause im gonna need a ride to the game on Friday to see who is homecoming King and Queen. I really hope Brian gets it. He's a nice guy. And his girlfriend was nominated too. A friend of mine from dance class is up there for the juniors, and hopefully s he'll get it. It's always something cool to say.

So it was raining earlier. I sat and listened to it. It's so pretty. And what was prettier was that the moon was bouncing off the puddles that the rain was making and illuminating my room through my blinds and I really liked the whole shadow thing it made. Pretty niftay. And.. I should be studying for chemisty and working on my Literature thesis. But.. alas i am lazy. Oh I decided who I want to write my college reccomendations.. Mrs. Sisk my old oceanography teacher, Mrs. Bryant my jr. literature teacher and Mr. Kienast, my sophmore world history teacher. Does it matter who we pick like,we don't have to pick teachers from this year do we? Otherwise... heh.. none of my teachers really liked me. Mr. Kienast rocked and I e-mailed him these weird badger things I would find online.. Mrs. Bryant was awesome and introduced me to the transcendentilist and romantic poets, showed me Dead Poet's Society, The Great Gatsby and Huck Finn. She was an amazing teacher.. and Mrs. Sisk just rocked because she was so enthusiastic about her job. She really made it fun, and I mean it seemed pretty cool all the oceanography. I think I might want to minor in like marine biology or something marine, because well.. see what an influence teachers have on you?

We had this guest speaker in the library today, and me and zafreen were goofing off, what's new right? The thing was this woman had come and talked to a class I had before in like ninth grade year so I knew it already.. boring. we messed with the samples the lady passed around and got into some trouble from the teacher. oh it was so much fun.

Some other good news, I got my test essay back from the other day in british lit where we had to write on why monty python was an effective parody of medieval literature. I got a 43/50. Not bad! Now if I just could pull my grades up elsewhere, then i'd be good. But its definatly going to be a challenge to overcome this year. I never thought. Evberything usually just cvcomes so easy to me. Im just so laid back I guess, I never realized how important alot of the things are. I usually took my leisure time and pulled it off. In other words.. Slacker. :P

my eyes are being jerks and I cant see too well, so I am going to finish my thesis statement, do some economics research and head to bed.

Goodnight and talk to you all tomarrow,
Anna <3

Oh yeah... Sad last few days in Atlanta. I meant to do this earlier, but ive been so lovey dovey over you-know-who that I forgot. Thrashers forward, Dan Snyder died at grady sunday night, early monday morning. He was only 25. Im sure you guys heard the big deal about how Heatley was driving his ferrari and how it alcohol may have been a factor. Dude heatley is out.. 3-15 year sentance for vehicular manslaughter. Not to mention they were best friends. Its so horrible. Also the braves losing the freaking divisionals. I love the braves and was totally rooting for them, in fact if they won we were gonna go see them play at Turner, but we all knew what was goinna happen. See ya next season braves.. or ac utally I'll see em in daytona for their spring training :)

AND... Yellowcard played in atlanta last night. Yeah like one of my favorite bands played and not only did I not hear a word about it, i missed it and didnt know anything. Im so pissed. I love yellowcard... :( sadness. And I need to get his AIM NAME. UGH.

+WARM OCTOBER NIGHTS+ :( (for real too)

I like the way you fill my head with these unconcious thoughts..

2003-10-07T06:21:34Z

how do you get someone out of your head? He's been in there for a while and I just can't shake the thought of him. It's so weird. it's so alien. It's an old feeling that has come back to haunt me.

i was at church the other day standing in the parish lobby and this tapistry that said "be not afraid" kept hitting my hair, and I turned around to look at it. It was like a sign, but I didn't know which way to take it.

If my life was a novel the theme would be man vs. fear.

i openly wanted this. i have asked for this all along.Now comes the hard part. I dont know if i can take the rejection that may come, hell i don't know if i'll ever talk to the guy. the first step is always harder then it gets progressive easier, right?

I tell myself when i wake up, today will be differnt. today will be the day that counts, and i always come home, unsatisfied at what events preceeded. i always feel empty, and like the day was wasted.

"they may not remember what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel"
-carl w. buechner

i like the way you fill my head with unconcious thoughts. i watch you when you don't see, i laugh and smile at the thought of you when you can't see. im not following you, my head is in the clouds and it is just sheer coincidence. is it a sign, or is it just emotions taking over my body and grasping my heart and not letting go even if my brain tries to.

I will always trust in my heart, the right things to do. Love and logic weren't meant to be. the brain just messes with your heart's decisions. The heart is foolish, but i'd rather be fool in love than a scholar without love.

im done.

<3 anna.

No matter how much i know it won't happen...

2003-10-05T04:14:01Z

I still keep thinking it will.

You can't expect things to just walk right up to you. You have to do at least something. Why then if i know this do i ignore it and expect and hope it will. then when it doesn't cry myself to sleep because it didn't happen. It's kinda difficult to explain.. so i won't. But im gonna just let everyone know this.

Anna is a moron.
anna does not know how to deal with relationships.
anna does not know how to deal with emotions.
Anna likes to think she's got it all down, but she knows she doesn't.
Anna knows she misses those golden opportunities god gives her and blows them off, because she is scared and sad.
Anna then regrets it.
Anna has so much to deal with she thinks that having someone good will balence it all out.
Anna doesn't know the answer.
Anna knows she is smart, but she is too lazy to do work and fails.
Anna only truly wants one thing.
Anna belives that all you need is love.
Anna is stupid.

/end weird third person reference-like type thing.
<3 anna.

ps. in case you haven't figured it out yet, some posts are locked and some aren't. I was just curiously wondering if anyone and/or all of you knew.

Confessions of the relationship insecure

2003-10-04T07:59:59Z

im having one of those alone emo moments. Except its been all day.
I saw him, he didn't see me.
I know his name. He doesn't know mine.
this could be what i need. he might not think so.
i dont care what they think. he might.
so many uncertainties. im still going to try.
its not a joke to me. i see something in his face.
im so confused. my actions are hesitant.
i alrready regret a missed opportunity.
i am kicking myself in the ass and everyone is laughing at me because Anna did it again.
I blew it. again. just like i always do. i froze up. why am i scared of guys?

I cant let this go. I really like him. I have to go for it, right? I mean, whats to loose? I kmnow, but i have no guts at all. Im such a wuss. and scared.

im going to figure something out.

10 new iconsbaby.
im gonna go listen to more something corporate and die because i am a fucking moron.

Something corporate....

2003-10-04T02:16:04Z

SOMETHING CORPORATE

"I Want To Save You"

standing on the edge of morning
scent of sex and new found glory
playing as she's pulling back her hair
she drives away
she's feeling worthless
used again but nothing's different
she stayed the night
but knows he doesn't care

home by three
deafening quiet
the porch light's off
yes they forgot it
she cried herself to sleep
but she don't dare
then she wants to be a model
she wants to hear she's beautiful
she's beautiful

i want to save you
i want to save you
i need you
save me too
i want to save you

dressed by dawn and out the door
no light
she memorized the floor
so she could leave without being detected
she works till three
it's uniform
she dreams that he'll come by the store
she prays for days
the boys mean she's protected
and she wants someone to see her
she needs to hear she's beautiful
she's beautiful

i want to save you
i want to save you
i need you
save me too
i want to save you

and she won't sleep
she won't sleep
and she won't sleep
at all

i want to save you
i want to save you
i need you
save me too
i want to save you
(let me save you)
i want to save you
(let me save you)
i want to save you
(let me save you)
i want to save you

that song is so me, except the whole part about sex. This song makes me cry.

"Warm october nights.. you came and cuddled next to me baby, yeah yeah yeah"

2003-10-04T01:10:01Z

Name: Annaleisle Genevieve Gingher
Birth date: May 13, 1986
Current Location: Peachtree City Ga.
Eye Color: green
Hair Color: chesnut/auburn
Height: 5'1
Righty or Lefty: Righty
Zodiac Sign: taurus

LAYER TWO: On The Inside

Your heritage: German, Irish, Cajun
Shoes you wore today: Brown boots
Your weakness: a soft bed.
Your fears: spiders, heights, cockaroaches, snakes, aliens.
Your perfect pizza: cheese and mushroom.
Goal you'd like to achieve: pass my senior year, get into gordon, and get my degree in criminology, go to california, get into UCLA and surf and ice dance and act.

Ok, monday is college/twin day, tuesday is Pj Day, Wednesday is Hawaii day, and I don't know what thursday is.

Homecoming is this friday and we are playing East Coweta i think. I will go to the game I think, but as for the dance, we all know my deal, no date, no go. I want some choclate chip cookies, I think I might run to the store and get some. Hmm... so, anyway. Im relaxing this whole week.... I got some good grades in english, a 86 on my english essay test. I also got a 19/20 on a vocab test. Not bad, but the 54 on a calculus quiz.

I think im going to go to the store to get some cookie dough now.
<3 anna.

well

2003-10-02T22:39:48Z

Ok so my dad callls me today. Im failing all my 5 core classes. Shit. WE have a meeting with my counselor and teachers coming up so we can figure out what to do.

I feel like im in such a bind. I feel like all my classes are AP and they shouldn't be. For example, my english class. Its like im writing essays every day and they aren't easy. Its all prove the documentation. Stupid crap. All my classes suck. I just want to get it over with, it needs to stop being so hard..

In other news Paul walker's face makes me happy. VERY happy.

Er and Scrubs on tonight and the craft too.

EDIT:: Oh my gosh House of the Dead looks like it kicks ass, big time. I mean I dont know waht is it about or anything, but still. Any movie that plays DMX "Up in here" in the trailor then im good. Also I got my admissions sign up for Gordon and Rachel told me she didnt want to room with me. She also told me that she didn't want to go to the college visit there on the 24th with me either. Well gee, I feel loved. My best friend for 5 years might go to the same college as me, and won't room with me at all. And she wont go with me to the thing. I think im a little bit ticked and hurt. I would do anything for her and lately shes been pushing me away.Its wonderful how life is great and then all of a sudden its not.

Mmmm Mushrooms.

2003-10-01T05:30:58Z

today, sept. the 30th in San Obispo Co. California around 5pm, James Dean, one of Tinstletown's most fabulous and amazing actors died.

My whole thought on this. I love James Dean, he's a great actor i've loved since I was a kid. I think that he died, at least, doing something he loved.. racing his car.. just.. on a highway.. hey! Whatever floats your boat. If I had a freaking 1955 Porsche Syder 500, I would be going 120 too. Ohh the sweetness. I need to rent 2 fast 2 furious because paul walker is hot and the hot cars with Paul make me drool. Like the cars are off the hook.

Anyway, the cute dude,.. Zafreen knows who he is.. Shit. He's a SOPHMORE. Maybe. He's still hot eye candy. His name is like E.J. I think? I dunno, Zafreen is weird, but man does she have the hook ups. Hook ups make me think of Skateboarding which makes me think of those nurses. Ok. Im done,.
Goodnight.

Anna.

Amazing weather.

2003-09-29T07:18:05Z

You guys this weather is amazingly uplifting and it's acting as a sort of therepy. My bed is by an open window and it's 49 degrees. I can hear the leaves and trees blowing in the wind outside my window and the breeze flows onto me. It's just so mind boggling at how amazing and great nature really is. It makes me feel so new and refreshed and alive. Moreso at night than day, probably because it's darker, yet, dispite the fact I am scared somewhat of the dark.

Anyway. I love it, I wish it was like this always. Makes me long to want to move onto winter, but I know that I gotta live these months and days one at a time. That's the great thing about life. Waking up, not knowing what the day holds, not knowing if you will drop dead. I love that saying too, Live each day like its your last, because it's so true. You never know waht the day will bring, so go ahead and live it like YOU want to. Do the things you want to do, and never have any regrets. Which of course is more easily said than done, but at least strive to make an effort to do it.

Has anyone else noticed how the night sky has a particular smell to it? It's like soft jasmine here with a tint of hickory or some sort of wood and smoke. I love that smell, expecially during winter, when everyone has their fireplaces lit and the smell of firewood can be smelled miles away. It reminds me of christmas. An aamzing christmas where its windy and cold and snowy, and your all huddled around the hearth of the fireplace just laughing and sharing stories of the past and awaiting christmas. I love it.

my mom has this clock that has a certain ring on it, when it chimes the hours, ya know. Well, she winds it up during autumn and christmas, and when you hear this chime, you just get this feeling of christmas and old feelings and thoughts come into your head and it sort of makes you melancholy. I love that feeling. It definatly pushes me onto the verge of tears. I could go on for hours but I need to get to bed. School in the morning.

Bonne nuit,
<3 Anna.

I love celery.

2003-09-28T04:49:47Z

Mmmm. Celery. It's crunchy and juicy.

Today we had some massive storms and all that. Amazing. I woke up about 12, and put my bathing suit on and got to washing the car. I cleaned that car soo good. Shined the rims all nice and pretty, along with the inside. I spent like 4 hours altogether. Cleaned the windows, vaccumed the inside, and got it smelling nice. Whee. Nothing like driving in style. After that I got dressed and headed to the Fayetteville Library to meet Zafreen to work on our British Lit biographical research project. I only had a little while, and in that little while we accomplished looking through books and determining that Dickins blows, big time. We made plans to go to the Peachtree City Library tomarrow at one o'clock to try to find that last source we need.

After I left the library about 5:15 I headed out to church. I figured I had some time to get to mass at 6. Got there, and it was so much differant than the Life Teen masses i'm used to. I think i'll stick with them. I like the songs and people better. They are more comforting anyway.

About 7:15 I left outta mass after euchrist, I had to get home in time. I looked around and there were like totally black clouds surrounding around fayetteville. Good thing I left in time. So I stopped by Wendy's got a rocking burger and fries and went home. I rehooked up my vcr and dvd player so I could record Remember the Titans the greatest movie. I've been looking foward to watching all week. About then it started pouring rain too. I decided to go driving in it to get some soda and stuff. I didn't have enough for consolatary cookie dough. :( *sadface* darn it. But the soda is good anyway.

Right now i'm watching Holes, that movie that rocks. I remember the book a little, but not much near the end. I probably never finished it. So far a good movie, anyway.
Oh awesome news. My best friend since I was like in 5th grade is driving up tomarrow from Columbus. I'm so excited. Her and her boyfriend are coming up around 2. I have to make a snappy find at the library before they get here, though. I so cannot wait to see her. We'll probably just drive around, or something. Which reminds me to take a shower so no one dies of my horrible reeking smell. *jokes* I'll do that tomarrow. Doesn't leave much time. I am supposed to clean the bathroom... and clean my room. So I need to wake up about 10 or so I guess. Clean bathroom, clean room, shower, straighten hair, library, back to wait for candice. I hope I plan the time out ok. I usually don't do that too well. Anywho, I gotta go to the bathroom, and maybe eliminate cleaning my room for tomarrow.

talk to you later,
<3 Anna.

P.s Do normal people get the whole of events that lead into Holes? Because well, it's not too clear sometimes. Or moreso, it's so blatantly clear that you don't understand it, or something.
Bonne nuit.

EDIT:: "Not only are you beautiful but you are somehow on the grand scale. Everything you do, like pretending to be in love or pretending to be shy gets across." p63 of Fitzgerald's Tender is the Night.

I can't hang in there anymore.

2003-09-27T04:55:16Z

I'm soo tired and it's not even one o'clock yet! Sheesh. I pretty much already updated about today. We ordered chinese food (yay!) I got some steamed rice with veggies and chicken, and some won ton soup which was fabulous. I think I ate a little to much though. I was soo full the rest of the day. I had to feed the dog, blah blah. Tomarrow I have to go out and get a new straightener because well.. mine sucks. I have no idea if Zafreen and I are still on for the library in Fayetteville. I'm really hoping no, because I am dead tired and want to like, rest up and stuff. Although, it's a rough draft of a research assignment. *wa* I'll figure something out. I need to wash the car, clean the bathroom, like I said I was going to do like three days ago. My room needs to be cleaned too. Hopefully it won't be so humid and stuff tomarrow, nice and breezy and sunny day. I might just go play some tennis.

I also need to shower tomarrow. Hmm... how am I goign to pull off a paper where i only read half the book ... in book notes? Whatever. I'll figure it out.

Nothing else really. X men evo comes on tomarrow at 11:30. I may wake up in time? *shrugs*
I made some new icons. I need to start a countdown until Colorado. Hrm.. I think I will do that tonight while i'm bored.

bonne nuit mes ames,
<3 Anna.

ps. I just realized i told someone "bonne chance" opps. Stupid dumbass.

I want to save you... i need you, to save me too.

2003-09-26T21:52:29Z

Hi. I'm not dead. Only a little.

Hi, my calf muscle is strained and it hurts so bad. I think I will faint from the pain. I think its from overdoing it. Thursday was step aerobics, and I went running and ice dance. I think soo... but its killing me. I can't even walk on it, so i'm sitting in my bed, wearing sweatpants and my awesome ballet shirt. On the computer. I do, however, have to go wash the car in a few minutes. I figured i'd post before I forgot.

I went to the fair on Wednesday night with Shelagh and Caitlin and my sister. It was so much fun! Except the fact some hot guys talked me into accidently touching someone's puke. I rode this one ride like 40 times with Caitlin and Erin. Shelagh a couple of times too. We rode this one that went like 50 mph in a circle, and we all got sick. Caitlin puked, and we all felt, bad. So we rode the ferris wheel and the view was awesome. So pretty with all the lights and when we got stopped at the top, the wind was breezy. It felt great. After that I pretty much felt good. We went into the german crazy huose and Caitlin and I were messing with this turning table and she starts doing a hoedown or something and falls. It was priceless. We saw a 6 legged sheep.. some cute guys. Fun.

Thursday, step aerobics class... counselor talked to me about that trip to Gordon on the 24th, and I found out Erin goes there. How awesome is that? Erin rocks. Today, nothing, just went through the day, hobbling around. I have a major biographical essay to start on, but im too lazy. I don't know where to start on it yet.. we'll seee..

For now, chinese food, a laid back Friday. Megan invited me to hang with her at starbucks, i don't know. Whhhhattevverrrr happenss, happens.

My leg hurts. Im going to go do something. later.
Anna. <3

Ps. saw bubble boy. That movie is not only funny, 1. jake is hot. 2. he is hot hot. 3. its funny.

Why i am up at three.

2003-09-24T07:19:18Z

studying for a stupid math test tomarrow. I have to pass. HAVE. I will fucking kill and cheat if I have to to pass this fucking last year. I swear to god! And do you know.. I hardly understand when I will ever ever need this much math. I'm going to be a criminologist. And after I get my degree i'm going to act and ice dance...why..

Oh, mommy's getting me acting classese :D! Yay! That's going to be soo much fun. I can't wait. I really love it. I'm finally old enough to be doing all the stuff I want.. minus the whole fact school blows. I'm pissed at my cd burner right now cause I spent the last 2 days downloading songs to make a new cd, including new Coheed&cambria, something corporate, aerosmith and radiohead. UGH!

I took a nap intending to wake up earlier, now its nearly 3:30, and I haven't began to study yet. Oh... iI think I am going to the Fayette Co fair on thursday, just a thought. In two weeks we are having spirirt week! :D Dude, senior toga day is going to rock! I've been waitingg for this day so long. Also mom is going to buy our tickets to Colorado soon! I'm so excited, we get to go to Denver.. or a suburb of denver. I can't wait to see the O'mara's. Besides Tiffany they are like my favorite cousins. Uncle Dan bought the ski lift passes today too! Dude, snowboarding in colorado is going to kick so much ass. HEEE!

The cord to the back of my computer is loose and now its all like funky. My dad is going to kill me when I tell him. Oh, I bought some honey roasted peaunuts today. I love them, its the little things that make me happy. After school I had to go to the library with Zafreen to work on our British Lit. quotes. Sucks. I loathe it so much, it's like, so difficult. I realized hot anatomy guy is a total flake. He's from Arizonia and all, which I could tell he was West Coast, cause over here we don't wear stuff like that. But yeah, I think he is a surfer. Or... tries to be anyway *snicker* I love poser surfers... "Check out my billabong, yo." Ugh. Get over it. I miss surfing. East coast surfing sucks like whoa. I need to check out townsville Australia. ^.^ I heard there are some killer waves.. up to 15 ft swells. Well.. yeah I could like never ride em, because the highest swell i've ever rode is like 6. Man, I rememeber. Good times.. I used to have a huge autographed Kelly Slater poster in my room. I was like "you are god" and now its like Utdyhaagen. Who is a skier for Holland. Ha. Could I be rambling like anymore?

I wanted to get my hair styled. I was thinking like a "a time for peace" Irinia Lobacheva style? Like a light brown with some glazed blonde lowlights. Its already that length just need to get it dyed and learn how to sytle it like that. Um yeah, throw your hand up if you understand calc? yeah didn't notice. Weight lifting is tomarrow. Ugh. I just want to go in and take my test and check out. I should. But we are watching "Tucker" in Economics and like, that movie is interesting in a little bit, so I wanna see what.. hell. I fucking rent the movie. Dude, i'm checking out. yes.

Nothing new. Seriously. I've reached an alltime low watching Murder By Numbers like 69296 times this week so far. Ryan's in a new movie where he stabs this kid to death, wich fucking sucks, becuse some bitch on this board spoiled it for me. Ugh! I hate people like that. It really irks me. Don't ruin a good movie! He's also starting filming another movie too. I can't wait to see them. And... a really big airplane just flew over the house. Um. yeah Owen and Luke are coming out with a new movie. That is always interesting. hey does anyone rememeber that game Simon? yeah.. I do. I miss it.
I really got to start studying.

Flip side yo,
Anna . <3

Cram session tonight..

2003-09-23T04:10:33Z

Yeah for chemistry. Stuff is challenging. So im cramming.

Today was ok.. it rained alll day. By rain I mean like ~~sporadic~~ consistant downpours. Puddles everywhere, I got soaked. oh well. I needed to take a shower anyway. Had to go over Rachel's to do those chem skills, cookie dough! MMM. It's still kinda thundering.

So yeah. I decided on Gordon. I could use an easy transitional couple of years before I go to a 4 year school. I figure i'll just go there for general studies then transfer to either Valdosta or Southern for criminology/criminal justice. I think it will all work out. I tried to tell my dad today and he was just concerned with me passing this year, which is always a concern. Hopefully I can allow myself to severe all distractions and really get down and study hard. Because, honestly, there is no other way I am even remotely going to pass. All the years of high school,. I have never studyied. Now, its totally differant and i'm totally not cool with the idea of wasting half my night on homework.. its ridicuouls, but I guess necessary... or something. Whatever.

I have a chem test tomarrow 2nd period, going to the library with Zafreen after school, calc. test on wednesday which I will be cramming for tuesday night. Watching a movie in economics, and in Anatomy there is a quiz tomarrow. Darn it. I gotta manage my time better.

I got a new door, one that acutally works, and locks, and closes. Hooray. the other one my dad busted through and broke it, during some emotional family issues earlier in the week. Ohh, Lance bought me a b urrito from taco bell today, you do not know how much I needed that. He got rachel a taco, and we sat in the kroger parking lot and ate our taco bell. Dude, that was the best part about today. Mmmmburritosuprmee. Its still raining. I need to straighen my hair and do homework and study.

That is my day in a nutshell.

Spokcholay Noche,
Xo Anna.

Lj is snorting more crack than me...

2003-09-22T04:04:25Z

Ahem. anyway. Last update of the night I swear to you.

I just feel so clean right now. I took a shower, used this awesome finesse shampoo and conditioner, nice smelling lotion and body spray. Mmm..it smells fantastic and I feel great. Im so happy too.. like today my grandfather fixed my light, so now my dimmer works! Yay! Dude, it rocks.. I love my dimmer.

I also just want you all to know that I am watching Scary Movie and eating popcorn and having a great time with my dimmer. It is the simple things that matter.. except I have a peice of popcorn stuck in my teeth. Owch.

So dispite the bullshit that happened last night, I have avoided my family the whole of the day, besides Erin. Thats that. We forget.

At church today it was long, but I really listened to the readings. today's second reading was from James 3:16

16 For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.
17 But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, without uncertainty or insincerity.
18 And the harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.

it is so true. Im glad I went to church today though and listened because it really does help me for the week to get the readings and hear the homily and it does your body good. /end.

Ive got some homework to do now.. stupid stuff and studying. if I can keep myself from being ADD. I will talk to you tomarrow.
<3 Anna.

ps. I made new icons. Also check out Toothpaste for Dinner

EDIT: Ryan news
dude him commiting murder in another movie.... god yes. Murder + ryan=hotness beyond belief.

I can see the madness in his eyes.

2003-09-22T00:43:46Z

Dude, my sister and I have been watching Donnie Darko all day. That movie is such a comedy! And we decided that Jake and Maggie are the hottest bro and sis acting,

Oh also, when I get to act in my first film, my sister is so going to play my sibling so we can have the real sibling rivarly. It will be fun.

Donnie darko is the voice inside my head. It really is him. How many times have I wanted to do the stuff he does. Its fantastic.

School tomarrow. Why are the weekends not full-filling my freedom I need? It sucks. I wish it was longer.

"sit next to the guy you think is the cutest"
-if that was me, i'd sit next to a girl.

I gotta stop some rpgs. So now im only _ryan_gosling
I love must_be_pop:D

Homework and a shower and getting the crumbs out of my bed lies ahead.

<3 Annika.

Thoughts..

2003-09-21T20:56:14Z

Do you ever want a change in your life? Like something in your looks? I just got this sudden vision of how I wanted to change my style. I' had the same hairstyle for such a long time.. not same color.. but nothing that outrageous. I did have my hair marina anissina red at one point at the beginning of the year. I just want to do something with my looks and hairstyle..

I did want gwen stefani pink with like 4 thick white strips through it, but my hair is dark and I don't want to keep up with the roots. I want a cute tattoo on my inner wrist, one medium size star, outlined in black and an inner outline in light blue, and a little star next to it just the same. I want my eyebrow pierced.. I want to do so many things, but I don't have the money. I have a really good tolerance for pain too. So why not? Maybe when I graduate I can use the money for that. Hopefully, also I need a job for spring break. A couple of us are planning to go to panama city beach. Graduation is new orleans, new sunfire, and UK. I really can't wait. I just want a change. That's all. I am a cameleon.

Church in like an hour. Catch you later.
Anna. <3

fempas @ 2003-09-21T04:14:00

2003-09-21T08:13:41Z

velvet goldmine came on Bravo today. god i love christian and Jonathan. :D

i took some pics i'll post them tomarrow. Remember the Titans comes o wonderful world of disney tonight. YES!

Everyone knows the Gingher family television stays on Disney. Grandpa has been redoing all the ceiling fan fixtures in the house. Church today. Homework, studying too. Also mope mope.

goodnight <3 Anna. Who is in a considerably better mood.
Edit:: im not a dork. its just 5 am and i am downloading soul decision songs. ^.^

Life is beautiful.

2003-09-21T00:46:49Z

Caitlin just called us. Holly had her baby. It's a girl and I heard she was cute. I asked if she had dark hair because the whole Gill family has dark hair and she said yes. Holly is doing fine. That's so fantastic. I'm so happy for them. Now Erin, caitlin and Shae are all aunts. Caitlin and Shae twice. Ahh, i'm so happy that everything went ok. Cleaning my room.

x Anna.

don't let them scare you...take me home.. when you run, they'll follow you.

2003-09-20T05:13:39Z

First things first. I feel sick. I'm miserable. I hide my feelings well. I love Coheed and Cambria. The song makes me a little happy.

I'm being a fucking emo kid tonight. No joke. You guys, I don't know what to do. I don't feel like messing with improving my life. Last time I dated someone.. which is hardly considered dating was ninth grade. I mean, you can't help wondering what is the matter with yourself. It's normal right? I mean.. I know i'm a little ecclectic, but I am also laid back, no worries type person. I'm not that hideously ugly. And, I mean, im always joking. What's wrong with me? I feel sad all the time.. I feel like i'm worthless then I don't. I always laugh it off.. and stuff. But it bothers me inside. I feel inadequte and inferior, but its not constant. I know some cute people. But i'm too afraid to ever ever do anything to act on it. I'm a scared bitch, I know. I don't think I can handle rejection, although I know it is inevitable. It's weird. I know all the things I should, yet it doesn't come easy to me. Ask me anything about book smarts, and hell, i'll tell you. Relationship wise... ehh.. not my event to show off my non mad skillz, yo.

So here I am venting in an online journal about my hidden feelings. See, like right now, I feel like crying. Hell, I may as well let myself go. Crying is good. In fact, I think my face my face is stained with saline tear drops and streams all the time. I hide it soo well though, or I keep myself busy. Again though, its so inevitalble my human nature will turn my brain onto that subject, and there I am left standing shocked and confused about the whole matter.

Maybe when I get into college? Hell, I don't want to wait that long. That's next fall. It's childish of me to think though, that standing there with a stern look on my face willl attrach anyone. I'm weird. I need help. It dominates my thoughts, and then takes my life over, gradually. Oh. Why. Why. So I listern to really emo music and cry and type my feelings here to try to rid my system of it, knowing it will come back. Lastly, I'll leave you with this. My heart feels like its breaking all the time. I feel like bursting into tears all the time. I think, "they can't break me" and then something happens and they do, so I hide myself in other thoughts until i'm by myself then I pour it all out. THEN I discourage and yell at myself for being a wuss and crying over stupid stuff. I'm so mixed up. I just want love. Is it that hard? I always want to blame God, but I could never do that. I know he has a plan for us all. I trust in him.... and I believe. So Jesus, man. Just guide me the right way and do your thing. Maybe this is a way to strenghthen our bond? Maybe. Who knows, but the big guy know what he is doing and I trust.

Ok end Emo rambling. Sorry.

Tonight went to Kohls, got a pair of really comfy jeans and some cute underwear. I love them, in fact I am wearing them now. Went to the world market and bought some euro choclate thingies, in which I plan on never opening. I have a paris one from Mal and it's too gorgeous and delicate to eat. Plus chochlate is really rough on my teeth.Went to Ross after that and got a white long sleeved shirt that says some ballet dance school on it. Nice. Um. Went to Dixieland and played DDR and I busted. Got confused. Played my sport, air hockey, and of course I won :) Ate nachos, messed with photo booth with Rachel, made a huge cheesy mess. Then dropped my car off and went with rachel to starbucks and hung out for a while with Laurie and Megan and some guy. I dared Laurie and Rachel to rub their butts on the window this guy was washing for 1 buck and they did! Awesome-ness. Then left there like at 12:00 and went to Chris' house where Mike was. Apparenly earlier rachel had been calling the wrong number, I thought it was funny. Anyway, left there and went home.. I didn't get my cappicccino, but its cool. Got home and changed, I feel asleep in my clothes last night so I changed my bra, and i'm currently braless which I must say not only makes me feel, liberated and I can breathe, but also makes me feel.. suprisingly.. sexy. Weird. I should do it more often.

Still having troubles with my tooth. Like all the thers are cool, but this one sucks and hurts. I hope its cool, cause if its not, my mom and dad are going to sacfrice me like.... well like Jesus. Minus the whole "divine lord" thing. I don't feel good right now.. i'm tired. I reek of smoke, in which reminder to self to take shower in the morning. I feel like throwing up. EW. My eyes are heavy.

You know right now scratch the boyfriend part. Just give me a hot guy to make out with and cuddle with then i'm fine. I can go from there. Set me up, yo.

Goodnight, my boring life is going into hibernation for the night. Need anything you know the IM. I'll be on till about 2am.

insert affectionate phrase here, for the author has one, or lack thereof.
<3 Anna.

Why does my heart cry from deep inside?

2003-09-19T21:40:46Z

...is it because of the feelings I hide?

..nah, probably the lack of love that I have, or the lack of boyfriend I want. Sheesh. Sorry guys, i'll never get over the fact that no matter how much you say they suck, admit it. At one time or another it was nice to have someone to care for and to lean upon and all that mushy-gushy stuff.

I've never had that. The one guy I thought I might sorta have really hard feelings for.. well. Ditched me. I feel the pain in my heart a lot, because I don't know. I knew him for like 5-6 months and we talked nightly, then it was like, he got distant, and then just never answered anymore. This was last summer, I just feel the self dissatisfaction inside, i'm not quite sure why, but it makes me want to cry.

Lenka told me about her American Boys experiance, and I gave her a little heads up. Eh, so it was from a bitter neo-american soul, who cares? The poor girl might get taken advantage of. Rachel and the 'german kid' whose voice I fell in love with were hitting it off _insert school kid 'ohhh'_ yeah, its really cute. Either way, seeing her happy makes me happy. It's just one of those things. Valdosta State has open house thinigie Oct 25. Rachel and I are going. I think anyway. Despite the fact we are going to get lost and have many a adventure, I think it will be fun. I'm still looking into Georgia Southern, Mercer, and Gordon too. It's so hard narrowing them down. Which reminds me to sign up for the SATs and ACTs again.

I had a hard day today and yesterday, so sorry I didin't get online. I rushed home to go to the Dentists office, found myself going 60 down Robinson which is only 40, spotted a cop and chilled. Whew. Thank god he didnt get me. Made it there and then they took 3 hours!! From 4 to 6:30 give or take, they were working on my teeth. I had to have some reconstruction (beginner) on my teeth no thanks to braces which ruined my life forever. They, no kidding, gave me 6 novacaine shots in my gums to numb it not to mention the gas. I was so out of it and disoriented. They drilled like there was no tomarrow. So I got out and was thinking "how am I going to drive home like this" but then it wore off. All I kept thinking was "great, I hope a cute guy drives up and smiles at me so I can give him the retard grin" since you know how it numbs half your face, well mine did. I couldn't feel my nose.

So I come home and take a nap. Yeah.. a nap. 7:30pm-6:45am. Yep. Light on and clothes on still. I was out like a lamp. Needless to say no homework was done, hence the bad day today. I had a calc. quiz, I think I did.. ohhh a 50? Chemistry quiz and I think I did ok. (But we all know how that works out) Im screaming bloody murder at the thought of my research biographical paper. I have no sources, no secondary quotes.. NONE AT ALL! Me and Zafreen are heading to the Fayetteville Library on Sunday around noon to find some sources. me and her are definatly in a pickle this year. We need to help each other focus and all that stuff. So yep. need to buy some damn book notes on Great Expectations So I know what I am doing, but I think its impossible. A piece of literature I find boring. OH. my gosh. I need to contact this old friend of my dad's who is a detective and ask him about salary and stuff. I'm definatly going into criminology.

As much as I would love to write forever in this thing, I have to get ready, dressed, and shower. I'm going to fayettville to go to Kohls. Gotta pick up Rachel. So, I will catch you later.

Xanna.

Ugh.,

2003-09-18T23:15:36Z

I just sat 3 hours in the dentist office to get some serious reconstruction done on my teeth. Now m whiole mouth is numb. Whoo hoo. Im going to eat now.Or try.

in other news I revamped my paid account and did my good deed for the day for someone else. I've been meaning to do it for like a month now. But happy paid account to that person who know who they are ;) You rock.

So im going to eat and then come back for some rpg time. I dont have much homework! Yay!

<3 Anna .

ps. Also need to make a new layout since this ugly one was somehow overridden my other one?

Don't turn your back on me.

2003-09-18T08:18:42Z

Soo... why am I up this late? Well, I took a nap at 5-11:45. Yeah. So i'm up. I did some studying and homework, and rped a bit on one. Didn't have much time for the other. I also managed to watch 3 movies. hah. I'm watching Drop Dead Gorgeous right now which is hilarious!

"Harold are we on cops!" "Mom said not in the head!" "I will if you shut your piehole" dude, that movie is like Rachel and mine's. We own. My grandparents will be here when I get home.. which will be weird. I'm one of those, "this is my house and mine only" type people who like their living mates just fine they way they are. Nothing new allowed in my home. :D

I need to get up at 6am to take a shower, and clean my room a bit before school. I've got a weird outlook on things. I just hope I can get my lazy ass up. Please! Oh I was going to write a little mini narrative and I think I will in a second. Nothing new today. Cute guy in anatomy class had like 5 girls sitting around him. Funny thing is, they all sit up there by him cause they can't read the notes. My ass. I forgot my glasses today and couldn't read the notes, so I had a totally legit reason to be up there, but I couldn't cause they were all mushing over him.. in which I think is retarded to throw yourself over a guy like that. But whatever. They all have boyfriends too. Teases. Anyway, my lab partner, Brittany, was like, "man, he has had a smile on his face for the whole period" Um hello. If I were a guy I would be smilin too. He looks like he is from the west coast. I dunno, something differant about west coast people, in my opinion anyway.

Hurricane whatever is going to hit NC this weekend maybe. I used to live near wilmington and I know tons of people here have like little town houses and all up there so sucks for them. I know the feeling though. We own a condo in Panama City Beach and Daytona Beach. Hurricane central. Thank god they are like on the top floors and usually there is no flooding. It costs a lot to redo a condo.

Er um.. Oh I haven't read more than 10 chapters of Great Expectations and we are doing a biographrical analysis and comparison between the book and the author's life. Oh. Darn. Stupid bitch teacher. She really makes me angry. Oh i'm also naming my kid "Antoine Lavoisier." Dude, is that not a cool name or what? I still like Etienne. I have a cousin named Etienne. Its a cute name. Antoine Etienne. It rhymes! Um, in economics, nothing new. Aerobics we did weight lifting on Wednesdays, I talked to Lenka about music, and she likes grunge and punk. Cool! I was like yeah, I'm into rock and techno and classical like whoa. She's pretty cool. She was pissed though cause she got a dress code violation, dude, she's an exchange student. Bastard administration. That pisses me off. Anatomy was hell today. We took 5 pages of notes, front and back. No kidding. I was like what the hell! And i strained my eyes cause I couldn't see, I forgot my glasses.

Oh, I had a good burrito. Go me. Fed the dog the rest of the burrito I didn't eat. I love my dog. Ok, narrative time. I'll let you go.
"Tammy Curry" Hehe.

OH! My teacher was bashing Greenpeace today, I was so pissed. I'm an avid wildlife/rainforest type person and I take offense to be calling a treehugger. Some teachers just need to shut the fuck up and stop being so critical. That offended me big time. Lousy excuse of a teacher.

<3 Annika.

Ok, why am I doing this, I dont know.

I remember the first day I got my first pair of pointe shoes. I was about 5. They were lacy, pink, and the blocks were perfect. Everything was perfect. I was perfect. I did everything my parents told me to. They signed me up for jazz class, I did it. They signed me up for ballet, I did it and made it to pointe. They signed me up for gymnastics and tap, and figure skating. And I did them all. I was one of those kids who was busy at competions all the time. I was satisfied, until I was about 10. School was getting more social structure.. I found friends and wanted to hang out with other girls and sleep overs, but I couldn't. Because on Friday night I had to prep for a competion, curlers in my hair, face mask. I WAS 10! And on saturday's I had to wake up at 5 for competions and stretch and drive 4 hours away to where it was. It was a weird lifestyle for a 10 year old. But i obeyed and did what made my parents proud. I remember one day, I was at school with a coustume on underneath my clothes and kids would laugh at me cause it was ruffly. I didnt have time after school to change, so I had to do it. I was so hurt. So tired of being ridiculed and excluded because I was to busy and I wasen't a kid. I was some mother's protege.

Anyways, I remember when I was about 12, I was ofered to train with Elite Gymnastics. I had gotten pretty good, since i had dropped tap and jazz. I had time to focus on something I was good at. When I was 12, I had a full layout. Times change cause new things are invented but back then a full was a running powerhurdle roundoff into a back handspring into a back tuck/or back tuck plus a twist, half a twist or someting.. anyway.. the thing is that is hard. For a 12 year old anyway. I did the whole Elite thing, and even got to meet Shannon Miller, my favorite gymnast ( she won a gold in 1996 Atlanta, along with a team medal) I got to train alongside some of the best elite gymnasts. About 6 months into, there was talk of Bella Kariolyi. Ok you guys. This dude was the shit. He trained the best of the best.. and thats no kidding. I remember I wore my red leotard and after my floor routine practice, Bella acutally invited me to train in Texas. Ok, well, obviously i didnt, but i regret it. it was my choice, but do you know waht I did. I choose to be with friends and have a normal life. It was like, right then and there.. I decided ok I quit. I hate this about me. I quit everything. I mean, BELLA KARIOLYI! But I think back,and I realize, if I haden't quit gymnastics, I wouldnt be an ice dancer. I wouldnt be where I am. So, self discovery thing today while I was at practice. I thought while I was in a lift.. weird.. but I thought, Man I wouldn't be here today if it wasen't for that. God, and it was a great feeling. I mean, I wonder if gymnastics would bring equal or more happiness than ice dance, but then again I don't. its like Ice dance makes me complete, but I do wonder what gymnastics would do for me again. Or also ballet, which I have to keep up with or I lose the touch or whatever in ice dance. But I quit performing in pointe ballet when I was like 14, and moved to Georgia. So ice dance. why does it mean so much to me? I didnt even start out in ice dance. I was a singles, I didnt get enough height on my jumps, then my height and weight was reccomended I try pairs. tried it, had hip and knee problems, quit for a while, and on my own picked up ice dance after I had taken some ballroom classes. Amazing how things work out isn't it? I can't wait for november and december. Qualifying and all that comes up for jr. regionals and jr. nationals for Georgia. Which rocks, cause its Georgia. I mean how hard can it be? They have the peach state competiton or sometehing.. weird. Anyways, im wasting my sleep time. Goodnight.